Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement
Sun Apr 24, 2005 at 09:13:37 am EDT
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Re: The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #13: Now with added Lair Legion Membership
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Hello there
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Josh Clement
Sun Apr 24, 2005 at 09:11:19 am EDT
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We start with a low shot of Bend Creek, Missouri, about sixty miles out from Cairo. Sunset. Pan in and there’s the factory, a square windowless block behind high wire-topped chain link fencing. Its surrounded by police cars with their lights flashing, and some US Army trucks. The tech guys are setting up spotlights to shine on the walls. And outside the gates, along with the news people and the anxious relatives of the hostages in the building are about a hundred pro-mutate protestors waving placards and shouting slogans.

Let’s take a look at the sign on the gate. It says New Tomorrow Industries: Making Tomorrow Safer and Better. And spray-painted over that it says: “Mutate Killers”. That’s because Bend Creek is where they manufacture the Mark III Genetic Cleansing Module, the machine that “cures” mutates by wiping the DNA strands that give them their special abilities. The law says that unregistered mutates, those who use their powers without government license, and any registered mutate whose powers are deemed unstable and dangerous must undergo the treatment. Nearly half come out alive and healthy afterwards.

And inside? That’s where the Jumbuck is holding hostage the second day shift and demanding the government end production of the M3GCM, reverse the measures of the Mutate Security Act and basically be nice to mutates ever after. To show he’s not kidding Jumbuck’s just ripped the head off lead technician Dr Walt Jedson and tossed it down to General “Thunderclap” Rott who’s leading the hostage management team.

Okay, so it’s not a laughfest so far. Sorry. But wait until after the credits when De Brown Streak gets here and maybe things will lighten up. A bit.

Parodyverse productions presents…

A Josh Clement Story…

An Intermittent Adventure…

In association with the Hooded Hood Narrative Helpline…

Co-financed by Avis Enterprises…

Book and soundtrack available at all good stores…

Josh Clement is DE BROWN STREAK…

Rupert Oliver is THE JUMBUCK…

General “Thunderclap” Rott is THE HORSE’S ASS…

And introducing Pricilla Duvalle as THE GIRL…

In…

“The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #13, now with added Lair Legion Membership”

Certificate 15

De Brown Streak zooms over the countryside, past the police cordon, and screeches to a halt where General Rott is looking at the head that’s just bounced off his staff car hood. “Okay, everybody can cheer. I’ve arrived to save the… eew. Is that a head?”

“Thunderclap” Rott: “De Brown Streak! Arrest him!”

DBS: “Hold it. Time out. Before we do the whole misunderstood hero thing, I think you need to check out this card here. The one that says I’m a bona-fide probationer with the Lair Legion, and that you have to render me all assistance and stuff because the President and Sir Mumphrey Wilton say so.”

Rott: “We’ll pry it out of your cold dead hands and read it later, mutie.”

DBS: “Yeah, but then if you start firing at me I’m pretty sure there’s an LL byelaw that says I can catch the bullets out of the air and stick them up your ass. So maybe you better start saluting and rending me assistance and stuff. If you have any cute female staff officers they could render me assistance right now.”

Rott: “………”

DBS: “Yeah, I’m your worst nightmare. A mutie with a badge!”

General Rott bites his cigar in two and waves Dr Morrow’s head at Josh. “And what are you gonna do about this then, Mister Badge?”

DBS: “After I puke? Well, I guess if you get me some crazy glue…”

“There’s two hundred forty people trapped in that factory with that lunatic mutate,” warns Rott. “If you can’t get in there and stop him we’re gonna need whole truckloads of crazy glue to sort out the damage.”

DBS: “Oh, so suddenly its all about me, is it? Now you’re not shooting me on sight I have to go save some mutate-killing-machine manufactures from an outraged mutate?”

Rott: “Yeah, you gotta save some mutate-killing-machine manufacturers who make minimum wage assembling electrical components fifty hours a week to feed their families from a crazed lunatic who ripped this guy’s head off and tossed it down with a note to send him a six pack of beers, if you’ve got time between being a smartass to get on with that.”

Josh winces. He hates it when the mutate-hating bigots are right. “Okay. You got it. I’ll go give this nutjob his beers. Rectally. And then you can salute me, cause I’ve got the badge.” He zooms off. He zooms back. “Oh, and could you please work on the pretty staff officer thing as well. Thanks?” Zooms off again.

And now we’re inside the factory, where the Jumbuck has twisted bits of bent machinery round people’s wrists or ankles to keep them from fleeing, and is currently occupying his terrified hostages with a long explanation of why Jason Donovan and Yahoo Serious are the greatest cultural icons of the 20th century. Yep, he’s that sick. Listen: “…people say Paul Hogan, and sure he’s made a massive contribution, but for iconic staying power…”

DBS: “Hey, guy dressed up like a giant rabbit! You seen a serious supervillain round here?”

The Jumbuck turns and flexes his paw-claws. “You dare to make fun of… the Jumbuck?”

DBS: “I’d have to say Yes. I mean, did you think dressing as a giant bunny was gonna strike terror into the hearts of your foes or what? No disrespect to Jack Rabbit and his hot sister, naturally. But what were you trying to say with the fluffy tail? Or was this just a gig to get you a date with Yo?”

The Jumbuck: “The Jumbuck is a cultural reference to the land of my birth. Once a jolly swagman sat by a billabong…”

DBS: “You’re Danish?”

“Aussie!” screams the Jumbuck, his fluffy tail twitching. “I’m Australian, you doofus!”

“And you’re admitting it?”

The Jumbuck flexes his admantine skeleton. “You’re really asking for a big nibbling, bigmouth.”

DBS, smirking: “It’s not my mouth that’s unusually big. And no way are you nibbling the part of me that is. But enough about me. Surrender now and I’ll get you Yo’s phone number. He might even take your call.”

The Jumbuck: “Look, I’m standing up for mutate right here. This place is an abomination, and the Botherhood of Evil Mutates won’t let it carry on any longer.”

DBS: “The who?”

The Jumbuck: “You heard. I work of Morbido and his Botherhood of Evil Mutates. This is only the first step in our campaign to make sure mutates are the next rulers of the world! And also we get dental.”

De Brown Streak: “See I was with you on the abomination thing right up to the bit where you ripped some guy’s head off and started wanting to rule the world. That was when you slipped from spunky freedom-fighter to terrorist loon who’s gonna get his ass handed to him. So as you know.”

The Jumbuck: “And who’s going to stop me? Some washed-up runner who’s betrayed the cause and gone to work for the Man? Some Uncle Xavier?”

Josh Clement, angrily: “Hey, I’ve been fighting for mutate rights while you were still cuddling your Kylie Minogue pillow, rabbit-boy!”

The Jumbuck, popping his claws because it makes a cool full-page pin-up: “Bring it, race-traitor. I’m gonna rip you…”

But the Jumbuck doesn’t get to finish because Josh has beaten him senseless, trussed him up, dumped him at General Rott’s feet, and gone back to free the hostages. What can I say? DBS has a short attention span. He got bored.

And now it’s all over but the adulation. DBS heads out to the gate to talk to the mutate rights demonstrators. Well, the pretty ones anyhow.

DBS: “Hi, I’m De Brown Streak. I guess you’re wondering how I beat that crazed idiot that was giving our cause a bad name, huh? Well, if you’d just like to line up in order of attractiveness I’ll be happy to give you a very personal account of the whole thing.”

But nobody moves. Pricilla Duvalle: “Traitor!”

DBS: “Huh? What? You mean Jumbuck. He;s the traitor who gave out cause a bad name, right? Right?”

PD: “You’re the traitor, Josh Clement! You surrendered to the government, and now you’re doing their work for them, tracking down mutates. You’ve gone to the other side.”

DBS: “Hey, I’m fighting to sae a world that hates and fears me here. I’m fighting for truth and justice for everybody. Really.”

Pricilla points to the silent, accusing crowd: “Look around, Clement. You betrayed us. Nobody likes you or trusts you now.” She spits on him.

DBS: “But… some of you will be coming home with me anyway, right?”

Pricilla and the others walk away disgustedly.

DBS: “Right…?”

And watching on his monitor screens, Morbido the Magnificent chuckles to himself. “Yes, things are moving along nicely. It won’t be long before De Brown Streak is forced to decide whether he betrays his own kind with the Lair Legion, or comes to stand in the Botherhood of Evil Mutates… beside his father!”



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